Eutrophication of the Mind

= good day to FB stalk

laviniaque replied to your post: My dad has a tumblr. No
what the fuck. does he know your tumblr?

I think he knows that I have one but he doesn’t know my URL and he certainly doesn’t follow me. He has a twitter too and now has been calling anything that has essentially been reblogged “retweeted” which is not always right. He tries I guess.

My dad has a tumblr. No

We make a list of all of the places in the world we are going to go with our other friend KR. We will try to go to these places throughout our lives. So far, the trip to Spain is going to happen when we graduate from college. That’s the only one we have talked about. Some of the trips will be exhausting and stressful (like going through most of Russia, Middle East, Southern Europe, Southeast Asia, Africa) and others will be relaxing (Hawaii, Tahiti, Seychelles, Caribbean) but they will all be adventures nonetheless and provide memories forever:

-Scotland - Loch Ness Monster, Edinburgh

-England - London, Manchester, York, Bath

-Monaco 

-Andorra

-Italy - San Marino, Venice, Cinque Terra, Florence, Rome, Milan

-Corisca 

-Germany - Berlin, Munich, Bonn

-Netherlands - Amsterdam, The Hague, Delft

-Belgium - Bruge, Ghent, Antwerp

-Switzerland

-Austria - Vienna

-Spain - Camino del Santiago, Madrid, Valencia, Barcelona, Granada, Ibiza

-Portugal - Lisbon

-Hungary - Budapest

-Poland - Warsaw

-Czech Republic - Prague

-Greece - Santorini, Athens

-Montenegro - Podgorica

-Croatia - Dubrovik

-Bulgaria - Sofia

-Canary Islands

-Morocco - Casablanca

-Sweden - Stockholm

-Denmark - Copenhagen

-Norway - Oslo

-Russia - Moscow, St. Petersburg, Lake Bailkal

-Ukraine 

-Tajistan

-Turkey

-Georgia

-France - Loire Valley, Nice, Canne

-United Arab Emirates - Dubai

-Saudi Arabia - Katie’s requests

-Israel - Tel Aviv, Dead Sea, Jerusalem, Jericho 

-Egypt - Luxor, Cairo, Alexandria

-South Africa - safari, Cape Town, J’Berg

-Lesotho

-Namibia - safari, desert tour

-Ethiopia

-Rwanda - Lake Victoria

-Ivory Coast

-Senegal - Dakar

-Seychelles

-Tahiti

-Hawaii - Kauai, The Big Island, Oahu, Maui

-South Korea - Seoul

-Japan - Tokyo, Kyoto, Nara

-Thailand - Wat Chaiwatthanaram, Bangkok 

-India - Mumbai, New Delhi, Taj Mahal, Sri Lanka

-Bali

-Nepal

-Tibet

-Australia - Sydney, Melbourne, Gold Coast, Great Barrier Reef

-New Zealand - Wellington, Auckland, Christchurch

-Tazmania

-Canada - Montreal, Nova Scotia, Toronto, Vancouver, Yellowknife Territory, Hudson Bay

-Alaska

-Cayman Islands - St. Matthews

-Puerto Rico

-Dominican Republic

-St. Barts

-Brazil - Curitiba, Sao Paulo, Salvador, Brasilia, Rio de Janeiro

-Argentina - Buenos Aires, Mendoza, Patagonia

-Antarctica - cruise from Argentina

-Chile - Patagonia, Santiago

-Peru - Machu Picchu 

-USA - Mount Rushmore; New Orleans; Iberia Parish, LA; Yellowstone; Savanna/Charleston; Maine; Vermont; Miami; Nashville/Memphis; Atlanta; Austin; Utah - SLC, Zion, Bryce; Lancaster, PA; Mobile, AL; 

-El Salvador - KAJ’s beach house

Why is it that I never get upset, like physically upset, about anything other than my grades? The past 3 times I have cried have been because of grades. Am I really that caught up in the whole scheme of “Race to Nowhere?” Where I can’t be anything if I don’t get straight As like I did in high school?

It’s bad, I know that grades are not everything. I just can’t deal with the fact that I am not a straight A student anymore. Hell my GPA is a full grade point below where it was in high school and I just can’t deal with it. It makes me mad at myself and feel stupid and I know that it shouldn’t. My rational self knows that my hard feelings toward myself are not justified and it knows that grades are not everything, but I still get upset. I always have and likely always will get upset over it.

I can’t stop it, I just can’t. I have tried to remove myself and numb all feelings like I do with everything else in my life, but I can’t remove myself from this feeling. This cold, desolate, failure feeling I feel whenever I don’t do as well as I want to, which has been basically every test since getting to college. It’s the only time I feel physically upset. Why? Just Why?

It needs to stop, but I don’t think I can make it. One could tell me to work harder, study harder so I get the grades I want, but that doesn’t work. I put my heart and soul into doing well at school and my efforts are just not rewarded like they were in high school. I do everything the “good students” who are getting a 4.0 at my school are and I just can’t churn out the same grades.

Likely, it’s because I hated all of my classes and wasn’t interested in them, but that still should not stop me from doing as well as possible. I still studied hard for all of my exams and worked hard on every essay and lab report. I know I should just find something I like, but there is something wrong with everything I think I may find interesting. Everything I try that I think should work and think I should do well in I end up sucking at.

Whatever, hopefully this shitty adjustment period of college will end next year and I will be in classes I like and can excel at. I’m just so done. I just want to do what I’m good at, even though it seems like there is nothing I am good at. I guess at 4.3 GPA student in high school should be good at something, but maybe I am just one of those people that I hated all through high school; the person that works hard in school but isn’t actually that intelligent and has no real talent. 

Maybe I’m just too hard on myself. It’s hard not to be when you are used to things working out and then all of a sudden, everything just hits rock bottom and you are stuck and no matter what you do, you can’t find a way up.

Greetings from Ashbury Park, N.J. = perfection

Only Bruce could nail this first album so flawlessly